Vol.3 Issue: 2 - A Mother's Experience - Julie's Story

I first heard about Mary of the Cross Centre about a year ago. Fr Peter Hansen had been invited to speak at Mass to talk about the centre and the services provided. At the time I didn't think this applied to me or my family. However I took the brochure home that night thinking that this sounded like a good community resource to tell others about.

A couple of months later things started to fall apart at home. Our son was experiencing personal difficulties which resulted in him stopping attendance at university. This wasn't the first time this had happened and his four-year course appeared to be extending to seven, eight or who knows how many years it would take to complete. We knew it wasn't because he wasn't interested in the course. To complicate matters it wasn't easy to talk to him about this as he became very defensive when approached about it. He started spending hours and hours in his room, sleeping a lot of the time. He was sad and angry for much of the time but intermittently there were periods when he wanted physical contact from his family and his mood became quite mellow. He agreed to initiate contact with a counsellor who he had seen the previous year. The counsellor referred Pat to a psychiatrist and he was commenced on anti depressants. Pat stopped attending counselling as he said it wasn't helpful. He also found the medication wasn't helping him so he stopped taking the tablets.

We knew that in the past Pat had drunk alcohol because we had found empty cans and bottles in his room. My poor sense of smell prevented me from detecting alcohol on his breath although my husband confirmed that he could (smell alcohol). Pat denied being addicted to alcohol and taking drugs. I felt confused and worried so much about him and thought so much about him, to the exclusion of other members of the family. My husband listened to my concerns with endless patience. My focus had become very narrow and any conversation I initiated with my husband revolved around Pat. It was around this time that I pulled out the Mary of the Cross Centre brochure from a draw. I read it again and thought that maybe we would be able to get some guidance as to what to do about Pat. My husband agreed to accompany me so with some trepidation I made the phone call and an appointment was made to see one of the counsellors at the Centre.

From that initial visit and through the subsequent counselling sessions I attended I have been helped enormously in gaining an understanding the situation our family was in. On reflection I realise how much in denial I was about Pat's situation. I really didn't believe that Pat was an alcoholic. I didn't even have an accurate understanding of the meaning of the word. For a long time I had thought that it was my fault that Pat was the way he was. If I could only fix myself then everything else would fall into place! I would have to work very hard at this to make up for the past! I felt very guilty and neglectful. Through the process of counselling I allowed myself to face the reality that Pat could be an alcoholic. I was terrified by this thought, for him and for his future. Although this realisation was painful for me to think about it allowed me to take the next step.

It took me a while to accept and believe that I wasn't the sole cause of his drinking. Through the sessions with the counsellor I was able to recognise the importance of switching my focus to my own life and self growth. I have felt energised by this process and I know that the repercussions on the family, including Pat, have been so positive. In the past he has felt judged by my 'correcting' him. I am now so busy concentrating on my own self growth that there's little time left to be 'monitoring' Pat's progress. He seems to be reacting positively to this lack of negative attention.

I was also able to tell him that I was attending counselling at Mary of the Cross Centre which provided counselling for people with drug/alcohol addictions as well as for family members of people with addiction. Well, the earth didn't open up when I said this and it was 'out there in the open.' He didn't look comfortable about this but nothing else was said. I do believe that this openness about the subject has had a positive impact on him.

We're in a different space now than what we were eight months ago. Pat chose not to seek counselling but over the past few months he hasn't been drinking. He plans to return to study next semester. We don't know what the future holds but we do feel hopeful. If at any stage he did resort to drinking again, our family would feel better able to cope with and manage the situation. We would also feel reassured by the knowledge that we would have the support of Mary of the Cross Centre to turn to.

NB: Names in this story have been changed to maintain privacy.